Six months after practising the power of now

The past week has been characterized by a strange feeling of lethargy. Its like all i want to do is just to laze around, rest or sleep. I don’t feel like writing, nor revising or even playing football. School is a bit of a chore, but i don’t get unhappy over it. It feels a bit like i’m an “old” man, disinterested in the material world and all i want to do is sit in a rocking chair and enjoy a book.

This year has been a wonderful year. I’ve probably learnt more and improved much more than the past 4 years combined. Girls have made life a little bit more interesting, but by far, the best thing about this year is reading the power of now and learning how to be aware of that awareness behind my thoughts. Ever since i read that book and delved into Eckhart Tolle’s teachings, the level of stress and unhappiness in my life has plummeted so much that its nearly absent nowadays. Sometimes i can’t believe how i lived that stressful, burdensome, competitive life just six months ago.

Six months ago

Six months ago, thrown into a somewhat different environment; girls as schoolmates, a slightly different education system, a drastic loss of form in football which made me terribly unhappy, attempts to “add” more to myself, to ‘become” and “achieve” more, to be seen as a “popular” person. Nearly every moment in my life was filled with thoughts, either reliving my past glories or horrors, otherwise thinking about the future, planning on how to become a good hypnotist, a good student, a good footballer, a popular guy, a girlfriend.

And then, reading the book, i realised the insanity of all of that. Trying to construct an identity i would be proud of, thinking that i would be satisfied when that happens, blinded to the unhappiness and stress i was causing to myself. In struggling to get so much, i missed out on that peace, that inner serenity that is always there. I saw that sometimes, because of those attempts to add to my ego, my relationships with people weren’t very genuine. I was trying to impress, trying to gain something from them.

Sure, i was still a pretty nice guy. I had some integrity and even prided myself on it. I had high EQ so i got along with everyone. I knew how to act most of the time, although occasionally my act fell apart when i was at a loss at what to do. More often than not, i was genuine in my relationships, i never really tried manipulating people unless you count trying to make a good impression as manipulation. Actually it is, but it isn’t considered manipulation in the conventional term. But hell, how much better i am now as a person when i drop my “self” and just BE my self.

The change didn’t come overnight. Gradually, i dropped more and more of my ego. My reactions became less severe. I became very conscious of when i was thinking and through observing and being aware of my thoughts, my thoughts lost their addictive, “trapping” power. Some situations i didn’t know how to deal with, some i learned quickly. I read more and learned more, deepened my understanding, and right now, i feel like i’ve reached a point where i know how to deal with nearly any situation.

Dealing with thoughts and emotions

I think the early changes were being more “aware” and being less fixated on my thoughts. Previously, i was addicted to thinking, but detachment from thoughts was the most obvious principle so i experienced more and more peace. I learned to surrender to my emotions, not to fight or hide my unhappiness, disappointment or frustration, but simply to yield to them. It was a relief, after spending so much of my time wondering what i should do to tackle my unhappiness, when all i needed to do was to just feel that unhappiness. So the first major step was learning to deal with my emotions and thoughts.

The peace and perfection that is always present

The next change probably came when i began to realise i didn’t need to become anything. Intellectually, i understood that, but only after a while, weeks or months before i really understood and “got” it. I experienced a certain level of peace during my first major step, and it opened me to a new perspective. The realisation that i didn’t need to be anything! What a relief! From struggling about what identity i should construct and how i was going to go about it, it dawned on me that all these identities were worthless, unncessary, and only created struggle and suffering. Whilst searching for all these identities, i had the greatest sense of self already within me; Myself!. An essence, a character that isn’t defined by anything, not be a job, not by popularity, not by talents or skills, yet a unique, wonderful Being that didn’t need any tinkering with. A perfection that was already there! The second major step was learning that i was already perfect.

Relinquishment of the material

With that realisation also came the giving up of the material world. Money, fame, status, just didn’t seem that important anymore. Gradually, my attachment to these things weakened and faded away. And the related issues of a safe and secure job, ensuring a bright future, getting good grades or playing well in football naturally went away, or at least, decreased substantially in importance and attachment. During block tests, i had very little stress if at all.

Twice, my mother asked me what i was going to do in the future and why i took my current subject combination. I told her that i didn’t know and if my job required it, i would then learn it. I realised the illusory nature of our fears about poverty, future, or failure. I told her that the the worst that could happen was that i became a cleaner. If not, i’d just die. The worst that happens is death and what is to be feared about that? Compared with a lifetime of worry, stress and struggling, i’d take death anyday.

And then another wonderful realisation came to me. Now that i was free of all these fears, now that i was no longer limited or restricted by a need to have a “good” job or a secure future, i was truly free to pursue whatever i wanted. I could do the things i loved and enjoyed and not be affected by how secure or safe the job was. I realised that i could go into multiple careers, trying new things, new jobs, learning new skills, playing games, computer games, sports. I could go professional, be an olympian, a footballer, a hypnotist, a healer, a writer, an actor. Free of the illusory fears, i could finally lead a real life, a life that depends on what i want in that moment rather than one planned years ago.

And much of that was translated in reality. I spoke up and gave feedback in front of the school, something i never did during my four years in high school, and to top it off, made it funny. I went up and gave an inspirational speech, although that was also affected by my remaining ego and fears. I haven’t relinquished everything yet! For one friday afternoon and night, i hung out with the ares fac comm and got a free meal from Mr Teh who had meant to treat the entire fac comm but because i coincidentally happened to be hanging around them, he offered me to come along. What is special about that? It may sound silly and indeed, it is silly, but there was a voice in me that warned that i’d appear to be desperate to be part of the “fac comm”, the “in” gang, and honestly, i sensed that there was some of that feeling in the fac comm as well. But hey, i went “fuck it” in my head, let them think what they want and just went along.

Learning to surrender to every moment

During the past 2 months or so, i learned a new lesson. Previously, i felt awkward and uncomfortable around some people, probably because more often than not, they hurt my ego. For a while, i didn’t know what to do. I struggled with it for a while. And then, an insight came to me. Why not just surrender to the awkwardness and discomfort? So thats what i did. I just allowed myself to feel whatever i was feeling, and then, miraculously, i started communicating in a much more genuine, connected manner. I no longer tried to appear as if i was unaffected or put on a front of bravado. When i was at a loss at what to do, i just kept quiet and still and felt that awkwardness, that confusion. And automatically, i felt more and more comfortable around these people. When i saw people i knew, i no longer felt a need to say hi in a very obvious manner, but just nodded and acknowledged them as i felt like.

Simply put, the lesson learnt here was to surrender to every moment, and with this last lesson, it seems like i’ve found the answer to everything. In everything i do, just surrender to whatever i felt. No acting, no pretending, no avoiding, no distracting myself, just surrendering and letting myself feel and be whatever i felt like.

Life right now

Six months after reading and practising the power of now, my life has taken a really huge change. Externally, it seems very similar, but internally, i’ve transformed a life of stress, frustration, anxiety, superficiality, ego, into one that is predominantly peaceful, genuine and free from problems. I still have traces of the ego left, somtimes thoughts still interrupt me, i still feel a little bit uncomfortable around some people, although the discomfort has greatly diminished.

More and more, life looks more and more like a game, where i have nothing to lose but experiences and fun to gain. But right now, for the past week, i’ve just been feeling like lying down and resting peacefully. Some part of me urges me to study and revise and all, but i choose to go with the flow and do and be what i feel like doing. It doesn’t matter either way, anyway.

Fuck the future and your ‘purpose’

Lately, as me and my friends move towards the A levels, i’ve been seeing more and more of them feeling anguish, struggle, uncertainty, anxiety about the future. There’s a longing, a clinging on to right now, when we’re free of the imagined troubles of working life. They seem to dislike the future, not wanting to meet it, yet they can’t help thinking about it. What will we do? What should i do with my life? With my future? What’s the point of scoring As if i don’t know what to do with my future? This post is meant to hopefully give them an answer to all these troubles.

The reason for this clinginess, this desire to avoid the future and hang on to the present, right now, is because we fear the future. We imagine the future to be worst off than the present. Why else would we avoid it? We always look forward towards something better, and shy away from something worse. Even though we may not consciously project our imagine our future, even though we may not logically know what our future will be, we unconsciously already pictture the future to be bad. We hear stories from society, newspapers, parents, about how working life is so stressful, full of back-stabbing and crap, and the shitty thing is we buy into all of it.

The next problem is when we take in all the assumptions of the future that society throws at us. Assumptions such as “YOU MUST HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE”, “EVERYONE HAS A PURPOSE IN LIFE”, “YOU MUST KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE”…and when we accept these, we unconsciously also accept that “EVERYONE KNOWS THEIR PURPOSE. YOU OUGHT TO, TOO”, “YOU WILL DIE/SUFFER IF YOU DON’T HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE”, “IT IS WRONG TO NOT HAVE A PURPOSE IN LIFE”. You take in all these assumptions and assume that because society takes them to be true, they must be true for everyone. Not many people talk about this, so you assume that you’re the only one having this problem. You make “findin a purpose” right and not having one, “wrong”.

So, as we seem to move closer and closer to all these future projections, these problems become more and more glaring. Right now, i’d just like everyone who has these problems to take the step of courage and consider what my opinions on these are.

1. The future doesn’t exist. It may be better, it may be worse. No one knows! All you know is society bombaring you with their realities of it but you have no idea if its true for you or not. Even if what they say is true, what can you do about it? Worrying about it won’t help, avoiding it won’t help because you can’t avoid it. All you can do is to accept that whatever will be, will be. Relinquish resistance, stop trying to avoid or delay it. Be at peace with whatever may come, and the only way you can be at peace is to focus on this moment right now. Whenever you project yourself into the future and think about it, whether unconsciously or consciously, you’re trying to deal with something that you can’t! How can you deal with a problem that doesn’t exist? The only thing that is real, that exists, is now, the present moment, so put your full attention and focus on it. When the future comes, it will come through Now, you will face the future in the present, and when it comes, deal with whatever comes.

But seriously, you have absolutely no idea what the future holds for you, so why let yourself be so bothered by it? Who’s to say the future isn’t more fun, more enjoyable, happier than it is now? Why make so many silly assumptions based on what others think and trying to make you think? When people try to convince me that life in the future is going to be hard/stressful, in my mind, i’m going “fuck off, my future is goin to be way more fun and happy than it is now. you can have the unhappy future, i’m going to have the happy one.” And if they try to convince me by talking, i’m guessing i would probably tell them “i don’t believe in that.” That’s what i did when my mom told me how we needed to brush our teeth or else they will decay. I told her,”i don’t believe in that.”

I know, some of you may be going, “just because you believe in it doesn’t make it true”. Well, i believe in the law of attraction, and basically, it means that you get what you believe. There is evidence for it, scientifically, in the form of placebo, the phenomenon where people’s illnesses suddenly go into remission when they believe that htey are cured even if they haven’t.

2. The next point deals with the assumptions that we blindly take in. Who told you you NEEDED to have a purpose? Why can’t you not have one? Okay, so people tell you that you must have one. But you don’t know your purpose right now, and do you think that worrying about it, thinking about it, will lead you to your purpose? Why not just accept that you don’t know what your purpose is right now, and it may or may not come to you. For now, your purpose is to live your life as it is, in the present moment, not to worry about the future because worrying does absolutely shit. Alternatively, you can go one step further and accept that you may not have a purpose at all.

Sometimes, you get that argument…if you have no purpose, you may as well die now…i would say…not really. Babies, children don’t seem to have any “purpose”. Their purpose, as far as they are concerned, is to be completely present and enjoy whatever there is now, and they seem happy enough. I would think that your purpose should be something you love to do, something you feel enthusiastic and happy about doing, rather than something you think you should be doing, something you think makes a big contribution to society or whatever. If you do what you are happy doing, what you feel you should be doing, then you will naturally contribute in your own way. On the contrary, if you THINK that you should be doing something and then you do it, you’ll end up unhappy and burden the world with your complaints, unhappiness, and resentment.

I believe that when people tell you that you ought to have a purpose in life, the true meaning to that is that you should live a life where you find meaning and happiness, doing something you like and love to do. This is in contrast to people who lead their lives according to what society tells them they should be doing, getting a job that society deems acceptable, not daring to do what they would really like to do, and basically living their lives like a machine. When you have a purpose, it means you take charge, you are in control, you do what you want and not what others tell you you ought to be doing.

Realise that there is NOTHING WRONG with not knowing your purpose or having a purpose. The only thing that sucks is when you live your life according to what people tell you. Stop needing to have a purpose! When you have a purpose, it should come naturally and spontaneously to you. You should innately, instinctively know what it is, rather than trying to think, analyze and figure out what it is. If you don’t know, be completely fine with it. Why take the insane route of trying to fight and figure out your purpose, a purpose that might not even exist, a purpose that exists out of the infinite purposes there are in this world? What if you have more than one purpose? What if your purpose changes from time to time? Fuck, are you seriously going to try to analyze and figure it all out?

Right now, this is my purpose: My purpose in life is to lead the happiest life i can lead, to become completely present, to inspire and teach others how to become enlightened in my definition of it. My purpose may change later, but for now, this is what i like to do. I like to help people, to inspire people, and to enjoy my life. So i make that my purpose. Oh, another part of my purpose is to not make the future a problem and to stay completely present and enjoy the present moment.

Being versus Slacking (WITH REFERENCE TO TESTS)

A common misconcpetion people get when reading The Power of Now is that they think that when the ego is transcended, they will not have the impetus to participate in life. If you don’t get what i mean, i’m goin to briefly explain, but to get a true understanding of what i’m talking about, reading Eckhart Tolle’s material or my posts in uzumakinaruto.wordpress about liberation and presence will give you a deeper understanding.

The teachings of Eckhart is that you are no-thing, and that many people are trapped in trying to ‘fulfill” themselves, to become “whole”, to arrive at someplace where they will be complete. For instance, you may think “i need to get a good job to be happy, i need to earn money to be happy, i need to be something different from what i am to be truly happy, peaceful, complete, or fulfilled”.

And so, by transcending the ego, by recognizing that you cannot feel happy, peaceful, complete or fulfilled by becoming SOMETHING ELSE other than what you are now, you realise peace, freedom, completeness because you stop to recognize that you ALREADY are complete, peaceful and happy.

So the misconception arises where people go,”if i’m already complete, won’t i lose the impetus to achieve and work? what’s the point of living if there’s nothing to strive for? Won’t i just become a lazy douchebag?”

This misconception arises from several false assumptions

-> There is no point to life if i’m already complete
-> The reason i work and i live is because i have something to achieve and attain. My energy and motivation comes from trying to achieve and attain a better ME
-> Being complete is being stagnant.

Now let’s break these assumptions and then allow me to use the example of a recent block tests (mid year exams) i witnessed.

Firstly, of course there is a point to life even when you’re complete. Do you see animals trying to strive for something greater than they are? No, they don’t, they already are complete and yet they continue living, expressing life through them. Shouldn’t they just commit suicide since they seem to think they already are compelte?

And isn’t it wonderful to enjoy life? Does eating ice-cream complete you? Probably not, but you still do it because there’s pleasure and enjoyment in doing it. When you were young and you played sports and games, did you play for the sake of having fun, or trying to be the best at it? You did it for fun, you enjoyed every moment of it, and you wouldn’t have traded it for a more complete sense of self. Life is meant to be enjoyed and therein lies the purpose of life. To enjoy and express yourself.

The second assumption that motivation and energy comes from a need to achieve and attain can be disproven by the above argument. You don’t need a reason to have fun! Fun is motivation itself! And who says you can’t do all those “chores” like studying when you realise you don;t need to do it? That’s like saying you need to worry about being late in order to wake up early to catch the bus. You can realise that you ought not be late, and without the insanity of worrying, wake up early. I PERSONALLY don’t worry about being late for school. I just wake up early. There is no tension, anxiety, or a sense of “need” when i wake up early.

Similarly, you can study…and study all you want even when you realise getting good grades will not fulfill you. But when you study, you have that sense of relief, the burden of needing to get good grades is lifted. And strangely, this often makes your studying more effective because you’re more relaxed and a relaxed state is often ideal for studying. And don;t you know of people who KNOW THAT THEY MUST get something done, yet still procrastinate? Procrastination and Being are two different things. And that is not to say, studying is meaningless! It is meaningless to find completeness and peace in studying, but its meaningful to gain knowledge, to experience knowledge, and allow that knowledge and your results to give you more opportunities in life to play around with!

In a state of Being, you recognize what must be done and you do so without any tension, any need to be or get anything. And because of that, you can see the bigger picture, you can do things in a more relaxed fashion without any stress which is WIDELY RECOGNIZED AND KNOWN to decrease productivity.

And with what i;ve said, it’s already answered the third assumption of equating Being with being stagnant. When you realise you;re already perfectly complete, you are free to express yourself and you do so! What would be the point of being complete if all it does is make you stagnate? What would be the point of enlightenment if all it does is make you meditate everyday and every hour? The richest people in the world have all the money they need…why do they try to earn even more? Can they even spend so much in their lifetimes? I would say they do so for two reasons. The first possible reason is they think MORE MONEY will give them the sense of completeness, and this MORE MONEY gives them the wretched burdensome motivation to continue working like a dog even when they have all the money they need. And the second possible reason is that they work because they enjoy doing so, they don’t work for the money although that’s nice, because they already have all they need!

People working for the first reason have all they need but don’t realise it and continue to work

People working for the second reason have all they need, realise it, and continue to play. Yes, their work is their play, it gives them satisfaction, purpose and enjoyment and when your work can give you that, it becomes play.

Now onto my example.

Recently, my school had our block tests and i can roughly categorize the people into 3 groups

The first group were the procrastinators. They felt the block tests were important and wanted very much to do well but lacked the determination and motivation  to study.

The second group were the muggers. They had the motivation to study because they felt the block tests were extremely important.

The third group, i’m estimating it consists of no more than 20 people, recognized that the block tests weren’t important but it was still something to be honored and did study. But when they studied, studying wasn’t a chore although they would have preferred to do something else. And yet, they had the added dimension of peace, of not feeling stress or anxiety because there was NOTHING to worry about. Their approach was to study the appropriate amount, do your best, and accept any results they got. They just didn’t feel the need to worry or feel anxious!

After the tests

The procrastinators moaned

The muggers still worried about how they did

The third groupers didn’t really givve a shit about the blocks and were doing their own thing.

And this is a real-life example that i experience. Of course, perhaps all this is possible only because i am after all, the humblest and most handsome king of the world

Nothing will solve your problems. Only Nothing.

Frustrated by life’s problems?

Frustrated at how you are never contented? Or that contentment is so hard to find?

Are you scared of, angry at, frustrated at, or resenting life? Do you wish to find some way to end all your troubles, all your worries, all your problems?

Have you found a way yet? Is there something that has managed to give you lasting peace and contentment yet? Or are you searching for it?

Well, i think nothing will answer your questions.

Perhaps you have continually tried to do something about it…but have you tried doing nothing about it?

I don’t know if it will work for you but it has for me. I once had problems of trying to be, wanting to have a girlfriend, trying to impress, trying to be good at football, trying to be popular, trying to be funny, trying to reach enlightenment, trying and struggling and not finding anything that seemed to help. I’d find something that seemed to be the cure..so many others had the same problems and with that cure, they were cured! But why didn’t it work for me…?

Nothing helped me. Yes, nothing. I realised all the problems were self-created. I didn’t need to be popular…why was i trying to be something else? I didn’t need to get rid of these bad feelings, i didn’t need to feel a sense of contentment. I could just surrender to all of it, surrender to the fact that i was feeling these feelings. And stopped trying to be something else. I just surrendered and did nothing. I didn’t try to run away, or try to solve it. All i did was to do nothing, and to surrender.

And the worries began to lessen. I didn’t do nothing, expecting them to lessen. I did nothing because there was BLOODY ELSE NOTHING ELSE TO DO. NOTHING WORKED. I did Nothing because there was nothing else i could do. And then my worries disappeared. My fears begin to diminish and peace and contentment slipped in. Why is this happening…i did nothing…could it be that…nothing is necessary?

Well, if you’re bright enough, you may have picked up the wonderfulfantasticultimateamazingtremendous wordplay of using Nothing as both the absence of all else and the act of non-doing and non-seeking.

Perhaps you have been fed up with your problems…so why not try surrendering to them…letting them be. And when you surrender, you may find that there really is no problem…you made it into a problem…you insisted the bills had to be paid, that you needed to get that A, you decided your future was to be decided by that examination or job…or that death was a problem or being poor was a problem…

And i hear you say,”THESE ARE PROBLEMS” and i say that they are if you make them to be. Let me illustrate…

I bet you know or have come across whiny people. They go “it’s too hot, it’s too cold, its too lame, its too corny, its not good enough, its so dirty…” And there you are, rolling your eyes, thinking why the fuck that person is making a big fuss out of nothing. And yet you are doing it too! Don’t you realise you are making situations into problems just as whiny people do?

NO, ITS NOT THE SAME

It is as it is. It may differ in scale, but ultimately, the structure of problems are the same. You think they should be something else than what they are. You resist it. And so it is with your feelings.

What if you embraced nothing? Isn’t it beautiful and wonderful that all you need to do, is to not do? To do nothing? Not expecting something to be something else. Not expecting your feelings to be different.

Try this experiment the next time and expect nothing. Do it, because you don’t have any solutions, or just want to try it out. The next time you feel angry, fearful, frustrated, or anxious or just unhappy…feel it. Don’t distract yourself, don’t suppress it, don’t try to feel differently, don’t go eating or looking at comics or entertainment to distract yourself. Just do nothing and feel whatever you feel. And don’t think about whether you are doing it right or wrong. Just be and observe. And see whether a sense of inner peace descends upon you.

You can try it now, or wait until your problems build to such an extent that you are forced to surrender.

Either way…nothing is the key. Oh, sorry, Nothing is the key.

 

The effect of Presence on Block Tests

 I just read Kai Ye’s post where he mentions that he hasn’t really done any revision for econs and lit which are tests due tomorrow…and then i thought back about how i managed to bring myself to study…

And come to think about it, i never had to drag myself to study like i did last year. Last year, i forced myself to study and practise math questions and made plans to practise a lot a lot. For all the tests, there seemed to be some resistance to studying and everytime i decided to, i would have to do so with some measure of willpower.

Yet, for this Block Test, the realisation of studying just came to me one day where i decided. Okay, i have to revise now. There was some resistance and some form of procrastination but as i look back, both had been greatly reduced. I didn’t have to “will” myself to study as much, i didn’t need to “worry to study”, i just did it. Not automatically, but not through a great force of will either.

A cool thing to note, i met my spirit guide and he gave me a message which i interpreted as to stop playing footie manager games and go back to studying.

Anyway, my revision plans seem to have fallen in place nicely. I could have done a lot more, but i don’t know if i would have bothered even if i started revision two weeks earlier.

And i’m thinking that perhaps my presence practise has dissolved much of the resistance to studying. Instead of making the Block tests a problem, i see it simply a situation i have to deal with and then i take the necesssary preparations to deal with it. I smile when i see how people describe the “block tests” as dread-filled, but when i nthink about the A levels, i can feel some form of fear and dread that stems from the ego.

Okay, i’ll go off now