Six months after practising the power of now

The past week has been characterized by a strange feeling of lethargy. Its like all i want to do is just to laze around, rest or sleep. I don’t feel like writing, nor revising or even playing football. School is a bit of a chore, but i don’t get unhappy over it. It feels a bit like i’m an “old” man, disinterested in the material world and all i want to do is sit in a rocking chair and enjoy a book.

This year has been a wonderful year. I’ve probably learnt more and improved much more than the past 4 years combined. Girls have made life a little bit more interesting, but by far, the best thing about this year is reading the power of now and learning how to be aware of that awareness behind my thoughts. Ever since i read that book and delved into Eckhart Tolle’s teachings, the level of stress and unhappiness in my life has plummeted so much that its nearly absent nowadays. Sometimes i can’t believe how i lived that stressful, burdensome, competitive life just six months ago.

Six months ago

Six months ago, thrown into a somewhat different environment; girls as schoolmates, a slightly different education system, a drastic loss of form in football which made me terribly unhappy, attempts to “add” more to myself, to ‘become” and “achieve” more, to be seen as a “popular” person. Nearly every moment in my life was filled with thoughts, either reliving my past glories or horrors, otherwise thinking about the future, planning on how to become a good hypnotist, a good student, a good footballer, a popular guy, a girlfriend.

And then, reading the book, i realised the insanity of all of that. Trying to construct an identity i would be proud of, thinking that i would be satisfied when that happens, blinded to the unhappiness and stress i was causing to myself. In struggling to get so much, i missed out on that peace, that inner serenity that is always there. I saw that sometimes, because of those attempts to add to my ego, my relationships with people weren’t very genuine. I was trying to impress, trying to gain something from them.

Sure, i was still a pretty nice guy. I had some integrity and even prided myself on it. I had high EQ so i got along with everyone. I knew how to act most of the time, although occasionally my act fell apart when i was at a loss at what to do. More often than not, i was genuine in my relationships, i never really tried manipulating people unless you count trying to make a good impression as manipulation. Actually it is, but it isn’t considered manipulation in the conventional term. But hell, how much better i am now as a person when i drop my “self” and just BE my self.

The change didn’t come overnight. Gradually, i dropped more and more of my ego. My reactions became less severe. I became very conscious of when i was thinking and through observing and being aware of my thoughts, my thoughts lost their addictive, “trapping” power. Some situations i didn’t know how to deal with, some i learned quickly. I read more and learned more, deepened my understanding, and right now, i feel like i’ve reached a point where i know how to deal with nearly any situation.

Dealing with thoughts and emotions

I think the early changes were being more “aware” and being less fixated on my thoughts. Previously, i was addicted to thinking, but detachment from thoughts was the most obvious principle so i experienced more and more peace. I learned to surrender to my emotions, not to fight or hide my unhappiness, disappointment or frustration, but simply to yield to them. It was a relief, after spending so much of my time wondering what i should do to tackle my unhappiness, when all i needed to do was to just feel that unhappiness. So the first major step was learning to deal with my emotions and thoughts.

The peace and perfection that is always present

The next change probably came when i began to realise i didn’t need to become anything. Intellectually, i understood that, but only after a while, weeks or months before i really understood and “got” it. I experienced a certain level of peace during my first major step, and it opened me to a new perspective. The realisation that i didn’t need to be anything! What a relief! From struggling about what identity i should construct and how i was going to go about it, it dawned on me that all these identities were worthless, unncessary, and only created struggle and suffering. Whilst searching for all these identities, i had the greatest sense of self already within me; Myself!. An essence, a character that isn’t defined by anything, not be a job, not by popularity, not by talents or skills, yet a unique, wonderful Being that didn’t need any tinkering with. A perfection that was already there! The second major step was learning that i was already perfect.

Relinquishment of the material

With that realisation also came the giving up of the material world. Money, fame, status, just didn’t seem that important anymore. Gradually, my attachment to these things weakened and faded away. And the related issues of a safe and secure job, ensuring a bright future, getting good grades or playing well in football naturally went away, or at least, decreased substantially in importance and attachment. During block tests, i had very little stress if at all.

Twice, my mother asked me what i was going to do in the future and why i took my current subject combination. I told her that i didn’t know and if my job required it, i would then learn it. I realised the illusory nature of our fears about poverty, future, or failure. I told her that the the worst that could happen was that i became a cleaner. If not, i’d just die. The worst that happens is death and what is to be feared about that? Compared with a lifetime of worry, stress and struggling, i’d take death anyday.

And then another wonderful realisation came to me. Now that i was free of all these fears, now that i was no longer limited or restricted by a need to have a “good” job or a secure future, i was truly free to pursue whatever i wanted. I could do the things i loved and enjoyed and not be affected by how secure or safe the job was. I realised that i could go into multiple careers, trying new things, new jobs, learning new skills, playing games, computer games, sports. I could go professional, be an olympian, a footballer, a hypnotist, a healer, a writer, an actor. Free of the illusory fears, i could finally lead a real life, a life that depends on what i want in that moment rather than one planned years ago.

And much of that was translated in reality. I spoke up and gave feedback in front of the school, something i never did during my four years in high school, and to top it off, made it funny. I went up and gave an inspirational speech, although that was also affected by my remaining ego and fears. I haven’t relinquished everything yet! For one friday afternoon and night, i hung out with the ares fac comm and got a free meal from Mr Teh who had meant to treat the entire fac comm but because i coincidentally happened to be hanging around them, he offered me to come along. What is special about that? It may sound silly and indeed, it is silly, but there was a voice in me that warned that i’d appear to be desperate to be part of the “fac comm”, the “in” gang, and honestly, i sensed that there was some of that feeling in the fac comm as well. But hey, i went “fuck it” in my head, let them think what they want and just went along.

Learning to surrender to every moment

During the past 2 months or so, i learned a new lesson. Previously, i felt awkward and uncomfortable around some people, probably because more often than not, they hurt my ego. For a while, i didn’t know what to do. I struggled with it for a while. And then, an insight came to me. Why not just surrender to the awkwardness and discomfort? So thats what i did. I just allowed myself to feel whatever i was feeling, and then, miraculously, i started communicating in a much more genuine, connected manner. I no longer tried to appear as if i was unaffected or put on a front of bravado. When i was at a loss at what to do, i just kept quiet and still and felt that awkwardness, that confusion. And automatically, i felt more and more comfortable around these people. When i saw people i knew, i no longer felt a need to say hi in a very obvious manner, but just nodded and acknowledged them as i felt like.

Simply put, the lesson learnt here was to surrender to every moment, and with this last lesson, it seems like i’ve found the answer to everything. In everything i do, just surrender to whatever i felt. No acting, no pretending, no avoiding, no distracting myself, just surrendering and letting myself feel and be whatever i felt like.

Life right now

Six months after reading and practising the power of now, my life has taken a really huge change. Externally, it seems very similar, but internally, i’ve transformed a life of stress, frustration, anxiety, superficiality, ego, into one that is predominantly peaceful, genuine and free from problems. I still have traces of the ego left, somtimes thoughts still interrupt me, i still feel a little bit uncomfortable around some people, although the discomfort has greatly diminished.

More and more, life looks more and more like a game, where i have nothing to lose but experiences and fun to gain. But right now, for the past week, i’ve just been feeling like lying down and resting peacefully. Some part of me urges me to study and revise and all, but i choose to go with the flow and do and be what i feel like doing. It doesn’t matter either way, anyway.