CHANGING BACK TO LIVEJOURNAL

Okay, because i now know that i definitely don’t plan to turn this bloody blog to something that people will want to come consistently seeing as how i can’t be bothered to categorize my posts despite repeated attempts, i’ve decided to move back to livejournal. I think my posts can help people with some of their problems and people may not want to visit me through wordpress. If you want to continue reading my blogposts, you can add me legod.livejournal. I’ll be posting there from now on

BRSHT

Ahhh
i don’t know when it happened but for the past few weeks and months, i’ve gradually lost interest in blogging about myself and my life. I don’t know why. it just seems tiring to type out what happened to you and all that.

i think its a lot because of my practise with the relinquishment of my self. The more i relinquish my self, the less important and significant i feel i am and the less attention i pay to myself. Sometimes i like to just sit, be very still in my mind and just enjoy that stillness. Just sitting there not needing to do anything. And then when i feel like it, when it comes naturally, i might suddenly be bursting with energy and spontaneity.

My mind is still gettin in my way but the fact that its a lot more obvious now than before means that i’m a lot more aware of it. Meaning, i’m less identified with it, and more aware that it is separate from me and not me. I know how it affects me. Sometimes, i’ll be thinking of going up and doing something that’s cool or makes people laugh. Sometimes i’ll be thinking about the next performance i want to do to make people laugh and make myself more well-known and popular.

i know that in public, i really don’t dare to sing loudly if at all, even around my best friends. I can talk and open myself up by singing just makes me contract and withdraw within and my voice cramps up and i don’t dare to sing.

It’s very tempting to shout or yell or make rude comments to attract attention. I know my ego loves the attention and its like a struggle between trying to be aware of that need for attention and the need for attention itself.

One change i’ve noticed in myself is that i’m better at feeling and sensing a stranger as a human being, someone who i can feel a deep being and connection with rather than his outward appearance. I’ve always become less critical and a lot more aware of how i’m critical of others in order to streenthen my own sense of self. By criticsing people and makin them inferior, i am making myself superior.

Oh yeaaa and i’ve made a big improvement with iype. I feel very little, if any, discomfort around him anymore and can finally open up to him. In the past, i used to have bouts when i felt like i was alone and periods where i felt i belonged to this world. Now, i’m feelin a lot more at peace with the world no matter what. My lows are becoming higher and higher whereas my highs are either becoming higher and higher or the same, i can’t tell.

I’ve noticed that a lot of my friends have or are changing. It’s like, they are finally recognizing their ego and seeking to free themselves from it although they may not know it.

No self

Like when you have no self

It means you relinquish all attempts at defining yourself

when you do that, you can finally be yourself

you no longer need to struggle anymore

in school, people think about being popular, they think about being important or cool

they want to be seen as cool, they don’t want to look like losers, they hate that identity

so you see nervousness, fear, and stress. they don’t want to be seen as lousy students, they don’t want to be seen as failures in life, which is why they work so hard like bloody dogs but dogs have better lives than them

the struggle for coolness ends in nothing because when you’re cool, you’re only so in the eyes of the several hundred people who give a damn about you in the school and only so for a few years. once you go out, no one gives a flying shit about you and you’re back being a nobody again. sure thing you can try to be cool everywhere you go but you’ll be forever plagued with thoughts by how people think of you, trapped and restricted from doing the things you want in order to keep up with your identity, stress fear and end up doing things you hate to keep up your image

ever tried to fervently look for one damn thing after another, fervently hoping the next thing will solve all your problems and finally give you what you want and have it fail you one time after the other, forever frustrating you and making you sick of it all, sick of trying and failing, sick of being fed-up with nothing working, sick of struggling and looking like an idiot in spite of it all

well i did and when i look back i really pity my self back then but i guess that was what taught me and allowed me to learn and move on and teach other people

once we stop being so indulgent in ourselves, placing ourselves above all else; even when you are generous, maybe you’re just keeping up with the identity of being generous, afraid of how people will see you if you’re not nice and step on their toes; actually most people are selfish and self-centered; some know how to control their actions, but i know that their thoughts are all about them them them, me me me, and the happiest people are the ones who don’t give a fvck about themselves

the less self you have, the less you expect of the world; the world moves on, the rain comes and go, but when you expect it to be sunny just because you plan to go out and swear at the fucking thing cause it starts to rain, thats where your expectation brings you disappointment and upset. and then when you lose your self, where does your attention go? to others, to the world, where true kindness, love and creativity can come in

and when you start losing your self, it becomes easier and easier to do cool stuffl you don’t try to do it, you do what you want and what you want will happen to be cool because the coolest things are the ones that come spontaneously, naturally, without artificiality or effort

since there’s no self to worry about, achieve or protect, then you finally have freedom. people call you shit and you go bullshit cause you don’t give a shit what they call you. when you have nothing to do to enhance your self, then you literally have nothing to worry about, to stress about, you become truly peaceful and happy because everything is fine; you have nothing defined, nothing expected, nothing needed. and that’s true freedom because you see it everyday, its easy to see how people can get controlled by their emotions, by other people’s actions and words

call him ugly shit and he becomes really upset, says he sucks at football or whine at him and he feels self-conscious and anxious, kick him and he gets overwhlemed by anger. see its all reaction, you don’t control your emotions, your emotions are controlled by others so how is there freedom? real freedom comes when you have no self

no self? how do you have no self,…i try to have no self and every passing moment, i am less and less of my self- once you see this, see how there’s the true real you, and the self that you can think about, the self that you can define and protect, that’s the false self, the one that causes you suffering. so what to do about it; first give up trying to protect or define that self and let it crumble, it will take time, people will say you’re a shithole and you let yourself feel the anger, the emotions, and after that, some of your false self will crumble

whenever you feel upset, its be cause your self is threatened, so one thing you can do is just let yourself be, and feel all your emotions without trying to fight it or align yourself with it and thats the simplicity of it, the beauty, the easiest thing possible; to do nothing is the right thing

and if you’re feeling fine, you can look at your thoughts and see how they are focused on that false self whether its thinking about how your false self was like in the past or what its going to be later on; are you worried that you suck at soccer or dance? your false self is worried see, if you’re afraid of making mistakes, you’re afraid you’ll look like an idiot, thats the self again, HOW CAN HE DO THIS? hidden behind that is the words “to me” utterly ridiculous

when you stop thinking, you experience your true self because your false self can be defined in terms of thoughts, your true self is just there, aware, no need to define, impossible to define, only can be felt and experieneced. the more you stop thinking, the more you are yourself and you recognize who you are, and who you are is undefined but very real and alive,

so stop thinking and struggling, just do no-thing. thinking is something. resisting is something. doing no-thing is the best. this applies only internally, externally you can walk run play dance but the quality of your walking, running, playing and dancing hinges upon your internal state, when you do so with complete awareness, then you truly play for the sake of playing, walk for the sake of walking, run for the sake of running, dance forthe sake of dancing, and live the life you were meant to enjoy

TADAM

Ohohoho

I thought that these few days, i would have to experiencce and stay present with boredom but it turns out that thats not the case. I’ve become involved once again, with lucid dreaming, spring forest qigong and self-hypnosis.

The reason i went back to spring forest qigong is because i wasn’t finding success with the healing modalities i was previously using. The Feeling Meditation still resonates very strongly with me; intuitively, i feel it works but i decided to take a more proactive stance and practise SFQ which increases my own healing abilities and allow me to become a healer as well. The feeling meditation probably requires me to feels for a long time before i see significant improvement, maybe do it for a few hours continuously or something…if it gave me results fast, i would have the motivation to do it, but after 1 or 2 months of doing it, no such thing happened so i decided to turn to SFQ

I think one of the main reasons i stopped doing it previously was because i was bored and impatient while doing it. I’d be thinking, when does this end, let it end, and couldn’t just go with the flow and be still. But after practising surrendering and just letting things be, i feel a lot less resistance and even enjoy the stillness that comes with the sitting meditation

As for Lucid Dreaming…ITS JUST DAMN COOL YOU CAN RAPE GIRLS AND FLY AROUND THE WORLD AND DO BACK FLIPS AND…..!!!

Once you master it, you can go to places you’ve never thought possible, like outer space…talk to your spirit guides, talk to your subconscious, use it for healing, guidance, live a second life in your dreams, have special powers you always dreamt of, practise your skills or planning etceeeeeeeeetra

Since its so fun and has so many possibilities, i became interested and excited again. But this time, by releasing attachment from the outcome of whether i succeed or fail, i don’t feel frustrated even though i don’t have imba lucid dreams and am ready to keep trying and practising. Oh, i also read this tutorial on Dream Yoga which teaches a way of having better, more frequeunt, more realistic, vivid lucid dreams and the method is simply to stay present and observe reality rather than living in our own minds as most people commonly do. That way, in your dreams, you will realise any oddities and become lucid easily. More power to me!

And finally, self-hypnosis. Many, many applications too but i ran out of interest the last time but am approaching it once again. This time, i’m going through some of the previous lessons i had gradually, making sure i absorb the info and actually practise self-hypnosis before jumping to the next lesson. Right now, i’ve been focusing on using hypnosis to help me attain lucid dreams.

FOS TOMORROW, WE’LL BEAT IYPE AND BECOME FLOORBALL CHAMP FOR ARES

Post-promos!

Okay, my low-carb diet hasn’t gone through many changes from the last post and its right now, it’s more like 30% carbs, 70% – the rest. At least, that’s what i hope hoho. I decided there wasn’t a need to go REALLY low carb because i figured out that was for people who really needed to lose weight or had a screwed up metabolism or diabetes. I’m already pretty lean so i really don’t need to be so anal about the diet, so for convenience’s sake, i eat about one carb meal everyday, most of the time breakfast if i’m at home, and probably lunch if i’m outside.

I haven’t been doing much sport so i don’t know if my body has fully switched to a fat-burning metabolism. I assume it has, because the carbs i eat are insufficient to provide for my daily energy needs, so my body ought to have already began burning fat for energy already. I haven’t experienced any incredible or significant changes in energy or health except that i’ve become leaner. The “warming up” of my body that i mentioned previously has passed.

It’s still a bit weird eating the fat of animal meat especially after having been conditioned for so long that fat was bad. My mom even though she read the low-carb articles i sent her, is still uncomfortable with eating fat. She peels off the skin and when i grab them, she goes “zhe!” and discourages me from eating so much. “All things in moderation” is what she says, but then i reply with a “ya, smoking a bit is good for your health”

Oh yes and i think i didn’t mention a single thing about promos in my blog. Aha, promos aren’t like promos for me. I don’t feel any stress or anxiety i feel about studying. There’s this conditioned sense of urgency to study more but it isn’t very strong and instinctively know its a conditioned emotion, something that occurs because of past experiences and right now, it can’t control me anymore. My subject combination is probably the freest- history, econs, lit, math h1 and a lot of it is ingrained in my head already so i don’t have to do too much revision. The only difference from promos period and a normal month is that i spend on average, 1-2 hours studying and revising when normally, i don’t spend any time.

Post-promos is an interesting period because that’s when our conditioned activity has stopped. Schooling is something that society conditions us to do, not necessarily something that we’d want to do given the time. Without this compulsory, conditioned activity, i think a lot of people will flounder here and there and look for something to fill up their free time; games, outings, jobs. If they don’t have anything to fill up their time, they will become extremely bored and become frustrated.

In fact, right after my last paper, the next day there was no need to do anything. Ahaha, i had nothing i needed to do. Actually, there was a lot of stuff i could learn, hypnosis, nlp, all of that but i didn’t feel like doing them. At the same time, i didn’t like to be doing nothing. In the end, i went on and off the com, fiddling with games but not really enjoying them. I wanted to do something “meaningful”, but i didn’t feel like doing the things i could think of.

I remembered The Power of Now which said that boredom is the mind being unable to be still. Yep. i’m unable to be at peace with inactivity. So, post-promos, i’m going to stay present and be at peace with my boredom. For so many years, i’ve been conditioned to think that “doing nothing” is a waste of time and i feel really uncomfortable when i’m not doing anything for a while. Even the idea of meditation is seen as “practising spirituality”; seen as a sort of doing rather than being.