Ares Night Performance!!!-The bomb!

Mmmm so today was judgement day and errrrrrr, mmhmm, i bombed-

Well, sort of. After 5 minutes into my speech i sensed that the audience weren’t enjoying it and i quickly cut to the end. Wait let me take you through the entire experience

A few hours beefore the night began, i felt nervous and all….woo…and then i suddenly felt comfortable again. I bounced between these two modes a few times. Anyway, when i went up and got the mike…hmm i felt quite…okay, but then i began and then hmm, the laughs just didn’t come in, my humor fell short, and i felt the audience’s attention drifting. My best humor line bombed although my second-best humor part was partially successful.

Okay, anyway, after i finished, i felt woo…upset and unhappy. I don’t know how to describe my feeling, its like a big sense of loss, of a diminishing of self…i went back to the lt3 and sat around and just felt my feelins, not trying to fight them…but then i didn’t feel like being there so i went out to somewhere i could be alone…and i found some placce and woo, i wasn’t afraid of ghosts! i didn’t care and just sat there, alone…..and then i dunno why but i think alone, i could really let all my feelings come up and then i began to tear…and it did feel good tearing and after i stopped…i sort of wanted to tear again waha…but after i teared, i did feel better

Right now i’m feeling fine now, and from this perspective, well, its easy to say that that was the diminishment of the ego, where my own image of myself was reduced, but at that time, thinking it that way was silly…i knew that the reason i felt so upset was because i had a need to do well, (ironic since my speech was about to stop needing), but the ego structure was there already and it wasn’t as if i could just take it away like…that…

At that point i was just feeling…woo…upset upset…felt like going home and just being with myself…but after a while alone i felt better and went back to lt3…and when the event was over, the soccer people encouraged me and shit and hey, i did feel better when they did that…

then when i decided to go home…ahh on the way i met with mj and jillian and chan yi and they gave me some encouraging words and i began to feel better and better…fact when i reached the bus stop i was almost back…talked to linus and…and i think i because i had thaat sense of loss and healed from it…i was comfortable talking to another new person…much more comfortable than beefore because i already knew i could do it and did do it, but this time it was easy and comfortable…

and then when i started talking to the person, it was a guy from apollo i am so sorry i can’t remember his name…but yea i asked him about my performancce and got some feedback…ahh and when i can do that, it means that i wasn’t hurting from that performance anymore…and then some seniors came to the bus stop too, calvin chia and bryan and jin yang…and we all took 67

and on the bus…it was nice talking to them, and a grandsenior who boarded the bus too…and then i got to know more about calvin chia…talked to him on the bus and on the way home…and once i got home i was feeling pretty good already

So, this experience…a challenge, lots of growth, improvement…its always nasty to bomb on your first performance, but hey, that just means that you take more care in your further performances…and furthermore…if you’re low, you can only go higher than low…

And after that bomb…little things can be worse than that! The next time i do public speaking, there will be less nerves, more confidence, better preparation, feel more comfortable, and have more experience.

I got some feedback and some of these were that the humor wasn’t that right for the audience and erm, the content was out of place…the “feel” was out of place too, after a13’s incredible performance…and it’s true you know…i took a lot of that into account and modified a lot of my speech to suit the audience but guess what, it still wasn’t enough and its simple as that

I fell…so all i need is to pick myself up and learn how to walk again! I learnt much, experienced much, tried something new, something different, and along the way, i got a lot out of it…for a few hours’ worth of unhappiness…that’s quite worth it mm? Okay, i guess the er, preparation energy and effort i put in had to count to, but i wasn’t suffering…i was in fact quite enjoying the process of doing it so i dont think you can call that a sacrifice…

But i want to talk about my feelings when i was upset…at that point, i still had logical thoughts flitting in my head, like “you’re upset cause you need …”, “just pick yourself and do it the next time”, “you bombed, what’s the point of your life now?” and all sorts of that but you just don’t pay attention to them. All you want is to just feel better, be alone or something, or just not thinki about anything and just feel those feelings….and at that point i realised some new things…i wondered…is there a better way to get rid of all those conditioned needs, those egoic patterns and structures? what should i be feeling? what is life for? I had a state and thoughts in which i normally had no access to…

and you know, it made me more clear and more aware of how our egos can really cause us suffering and all, and i’ve just got more motivation to be free,