Ahhh
i don’t know when it happened but for the past few weeks and months, i’ve gradually lost interest in blogging about myself and my life. I don’t know why. it just seems tiring to type out what happened to you and all that.
i think its a lot because of my practise with the relinquishment of my self. The more i relinquish my self, the less important and significant i feel i am and the less attention i pay to myself. Sometimes i like to just sit, be very still in my mind and just enjoy that stillness. Just sitting there not needing to do anything. And then when i feel like it, when it comes naturally, i might suddenly be bursting with energy and spontaneity.
My mind is still gettin in my way but the fact that its a lot more obvious now than before means that i’m a lot more aware of it. Meaning, i’m less identified with it, and more aware that it is separate from me and not me. I know how it affects me. Sometimes, i’ll be thinking of going up and doing something that’s cool or makes people laugh. Sometimes i’ll be thinking about the next performance i want to do to make people laugh and make myself more well-known and popular.
i know that in public, i really don’t dare to sing loudly if at all, even around my best friends. I can talk and open myself up by singing just makes me contract and withdraw within and my voice cramps up and i don’t dare to sing.
It’s very tempting to shout or yell or make rude comments to attract attention. I know my ego loves the attention and its like a struggle between trying to be aware of that need for attention and the need for attention itself.
One change i’ve noticed in myself is that i’m better at feeling and sensing a stranger as a human being, someone who i can feel a deep being and connection with rather than his outward appearance. I’ve always become less critical and a lot more aware of how i’m critical of others in order to streenthen my own sense of self. By criticsing people and makin them inferior, i am making myself superior.
Oh yeaaa and i’ve made a big improvement with iype. I feel very little, if any, discomfort around him anymore and can finally open up to him. In the past, i used to have bouts when i felt like i was alone and periods where i felt i belonged to this world. Now, i’m feelin a lot more at peace with the world no matter what. My lows are becoming higher and higher whereas my highs are either becoming higher and higher or the same, i can’t tell.
I’ve noticed that a lot of my friends have or are changing. It’s like, they are finally recognizing their ego and seeking to free themselves from it although they may not know it.
