Not from this world

I’ve had this sort of feeling for a few days and its these few days where i’ve really felt that this physical dimension is not all there is.

As i walk on the streets, as i look around me, i see objects, gifts that are given to me. It’s a bit funny to see that i have a body…a hand that can open and close, an arm that can swing here and there…wooo…

and then i look at the world around me…this is an experience! a game! a piece of bread, a blade of grass, there’s an aliveness in them. I’ve never really experienced something like that in my past 10 years so i doubt many will be able to know what i’m talking about. But anyway, from my perspective, the world just looks like a gift that i’m fortunate to be in…these experiences i have, touch sight, smell, taste….all wonderful, all given to me.

And because i just sense that these things are a gift, that there is an aliveness in themm, i just know that the physical dimension is surely not all there is to life. It’s crafted in such a way to appear as the physical dimension, but it definitely isn’t the physical dimension alone!

Progress in presence

There are some fascinating things i’ve experienced over the past few days, and one of them is that i’ve felt more and more connected with the things around me. By staying very quiet, very still in my mind, i can sense a consciousness, something greater and magical in nearly everything; cars, nature, class bench, buildings. One time, i stood up and looked at my legs and was in a state of wonder that i had legs! How lucky i was to be gifted with these…things…legs!

Right now i’m also better at distinguishing the ego from my self. Whenever i feel hurt, inferior, superior, awkward, uncomfortable, angry, stressed, anything that is not an inner peace or joy, it is the ego. I assume all my thoughts are thoughts from the ego, so i stay aware of them no matter what and even if they aren’t, i still stay in awareness. It’s a bit like not liking a particular person and then realising i have an ego which dislikes this person, and realising that you are the awareness that is aware of this ego with this dislike.

I played football today and really enjoyed it. I stayed as present as i could during the game and got into the flow state and played in a state of non-thinking. Our team was pretty good, me zheng fab mj gino, all of us could defend and attack well but the thing i loved most was that we had great team spirit and constantly encouraged one another. There was no stress, no negativity, just plain play, fun and enjoyment- and then i think it was this that carried us to a pretty nice winning streak!

More pain

A few minutes ago, i went to my friends page and when i reached kai ye’s post, i immediately felt a sort of contraction, and felt intensely uncomfortable and awkward, not knowing if he’d react to my post or anything. It seems so normal for one to feel uncomfortable after criticising another person even if you did state that it wasn’t really his fault, but from another perspective, its extremely silly to feel uncomfortable expressing your own views.

And so it is, the insanity of the ego. Yesterday, soon after i posted my “The Pain-Body strikes back” post, iype talked to me on msn about it and i had an urge to go back and edit the post to make it extremely clear that i wasn’t finding fault with either of them but decided not to since that would simply be a reaction of the ego and it would diminish the honesty of the post.

Actually, a part of this post also goes to addressing that issue. That issue where i feel uncomfortable thinking that others won’t be able to read my post in a detached manner and avoid being emotionally caught up, and seeing as how i find it difficult myself, it’s probably true for most people. And then the other part, is a reminder and highlight of how insane the ego is“`

The Pain-body strikes!

Everytime i post, i normally do so in a really calm and composed mood because on the bus back, after taking a bath, any turbulent emotions usually fade. Anyway, today was really infuriating. We were playing court and iype was being his fucked up self again, and i don’t know what the fuck is his problem but he keeps bitching about me? Like what the fuck can’t he just shut the fuck up and play the game? I know my speech wasn’t really that well-received but did he have to drive the knife where it hurts by taunting me about it? “Loser can’t even give a speech” is seriously fucked up. and then because of it i got affected and then really wanted to just smack him or something. and then his silly dumbass friend kaiye got in the mood and began crowing and cawing, criticising and complaining about his teamates at like everything? complaining about the rain, the weather, bad passes, all that shit as if he was really good or something when really, he isn’t good at all?

Sorry, had to try a bing xiang to scare the two of them if they read this. But actually, this is what would have probably been in my mind the entire time before this year. This is what really happened…

So we played footie and iype was being his noisy and crazy self and was having fun taunting and teasing people. That’s just his personality and then when he started directing some of the taunts at me, i felt something rise up, like some form of energy movement came out and i felt a contraction in my body. Some pretty negative emotions came up and the more he taunted (he kept it up for quite a bit), the more came up and i was aware of the pain-body but still reacted to some of that. My reactions were nothing too drastic, just a sneer or something, and i just stayed present and allowed the feelings to be there and just felt them. They didn’t go away immediately, but just being aware that i don’t have to react to the pain allowed me to gain control over my actions. Negative thoughts did pop in here and there and later i also took issue with kaiye’s complaining (which is normal, but there’s nothing wrong with it).

See, the funny and insane thing is that, they were just being themselves, and it was I who took issue with what they did, or rather, my ego taking issue with it. Things just happened but in my mind, they were happening to me and i was making myself unhappy because i couldn’t accept what happened. And in some ways, i reacted to things that happened to me rather than respond. I get criticised, i react by being defensive or critical. I am upset, i believe i’m being slighted, i react by complaining in my mind. When you react, you just act out a certain pattern, there’s no real power and control over what you do. A reaction is automatic, unconscious whereas response means seeing things as they are, not being emotionally affected by things, and then taking action, action that is conscious, deliberate, and powerful.

Now, when all of that happened, i was intellectually aware of all of this, but emotionally, i still had some egoic structures and a pain-body (a body of pain that lies dormant and is triggered by certain actions) but because i was aware and conscious, aware that i was not my ego and not my pain-body (i felt pain but i wasn’t the pain), conscious enough to not react and be absorbed in my thoughts. What does this mean? It means that when thoughts like “why is iype so effed up” and emotions of resentment and anger appear, i have space to look and observe them in a detached fashion, not absorbed and identified with them. Another way of putting it is that I am not thinking those thoughts, rather, my ego/mind is thinking them, and that “i am feeling angry” but not “i am angry”.

So becauses there was “space”, a sort of distance between those thoughts and emotions, i could observe and see them for what they truly are; illusions. I didn’t get drawn into them, although they were present, but because i wasn’t drawn to them, i could remain present and play football as i did, unaffected by those thoughts and emotions.

When the taunting and pain-body triggered, i felt uncomfortable and unhappy and just kept quiet and silent…then as i felt more comfortable, as the pain subsided, i began regaining by true self again and began encouraging and making noise and enjoying myself. There was still some awkwardness when dealing with iype and kai ye but things weren’t too unpleasant, no nasty words or reactions were exchanged and gradually the animosity and hostility i felt subsided.

On the way back i wondered why that happened and then the realisation came to me.  Life was giving me a lesson, exposing the ego and pain-body that still lies within me. I can take it as a gift that helps me transmute my ego and pain into a more enlightened being or curse at life for being such a bitch. And if we take the former perspective, there truly is not good or bad. The bad is where you learn, the good is where you enjoy, and from a broader perspective, all things are good. Or rather, all things, just are the way they are.

The magic of court

Often, me and a group of friends play at the street soccer court in our school and its amazing how much magic there is. Somehow, everytime we go there, there are bound to have extremely funny moments, and just being there, playing, lifts our spirits. Good teams, bad teams, no team, no matter what you can laugh or just enjoy what’s happening.

When we’re there, we’re free to play, to experiment, to have fun, there’s a tremendous freedom there. When we’re there, we’d all like to win but the real fun comes in playing, not winning or losing. Today i played with a team with lots of brawn but not much skill and before i stepped in(i was a sub), that team was geetting pissed off, frustrated and they didn’t really seem to be having fun. I went in with the attitude of “let’s fuck around”, played our hardest but i think i lightened up the game because i didn’t really care how good or skilful my teamates were, i just played and played. And then magical things happen, we missed chances, they missed chances, we shouted, screamed, yelled, cursed, and things unfolded in such a glorious manner that i felt it was really fun even though we eventually lost and the atmosphere had also become a lot lighter and joyful.

And i think that’s just the beauty of life, when we live in a state of being, a state of this moment, enjoying and playing, the simplest of things, can make us extremely happy. Life turns and creates magic in our lives, transforming ordinary events to extraodinary experiences. There’s a joy in the doing where playing is primary and the result is secondary.

And this, this state of just being, not expecting to achieve anything, not needing to play well, not needing to impress, just letting yourself and life be the way it is, is something we can bring to our lives, to bring the magic of court into our lives and transform it into a miracle.

Experiences and thoughts: Practise of Now

As i mentioned in my last post, my practise of the Now was reignited by what happened on Ares night. I read through the Power of Now again, skipping the parts already irrelevant to me and listened to the Living the liberated life. The audio was a great help to me, especially where it said that when you are still within, silent, and present, you can sense an aliveness within you. An aliveness that you already have. An aliveness that can be felt and is always present, whether you are playing football, walking, eating, sitting down or just lying on the bed.

For those unable to feel this aliveness, they resort to external things to feel a sort of aliveness or stimulation. Through validation, stimulants, sensory-rich food, those are ways in which they attempt to feel the aliveness. When left with nothing to do, they become bored and restless…they need to do something and sitting there alone is insufficient.

Thoughts on Ares night came to me sporadically throughout the day, and as the day passed, the heaviness, seriousness, and pain of those thoughts lightened each time. Right now as i am typing this, i am wondering how i could have ever subjected myself to such needless suffering, and how easy it was to end the suffering!

Also, i realised that my previous practise which i thought was practise, wasn’t a truely deep practise. I wasn’t deeply silent or still as i was during the practise after ares night. There was some level of stillness and awareness of my thoughts, but not a deep enough sense of presence to feel that aliveness and peace within me.

When i ate, for once, i didn’t read a book or watch tv as i ate. I became intensely present, intensely silent and started eating. And as i ate, i noticed that unlike when i read a book, i wasn’t in a rush to gulp and swallow the food down and put the next spoonful before i had swallowed the previous one fully. I automatically chewed the food thoroughly before swallowing it. And as i stayed present, paying attention to how i picked the pieces of food up and put them into my mouth…there was some sort of connection. There was some essence, some aliveness in the food that we normally deaden and miss out when we quickly put it in our mouths and occupy ourselves with mind activity. And then a new realisation came to me- i wasn’t eating another animal’s flesh- i was interacting, playing with energy, consciousness, merging with the food. I wasn’t a separate entity taking away from another entity- energy was movin from one to another, just like how our cells move from one part of our body to another.

I lay on my bed and was just silent. Thoughts came in sporadically, and i just shifted back to the present moment. And as i did that, orgasmic pulses of…emotions? a sense of aliveness? whatever it was, i felt good- came to me…and i just rested there in that aliveness, in that present moment.

I looked at my hands- they weren’t my hands…or rather, i didn’t feel the hands belonged to me. These hands felt like a gift…wow i have this…and then the same to my body…my eyes, my muscles…they didn’t belong to me, they were given to me- and then i realised this was true gratitude…complete presence and realisin that you aren’t your body, yet you’re given one…how lucky how…wonderful

And then you think about the possessive people…or yourself possessing things that you take be yours…respect…skills, abilities…strength, power intelligence…and when you take them for granted, when you say yes this is me, this is mine, rightfully mine, belongs to me…then life doesn’t seem like a gift anymore- it seems like a burden where you have to work hard to get more of this and that and it becomes a struggle…striving for somethign that will make you alive…something that i don’t know…satisfies you, makes you feel contented

and when you view things from this perspective…how pitiful the world is! Politicians and criminals don’t appear evil or hateful anymore…on the contrary they are…pitiful…they live in a world of hate? of fear? always fearing that they will lose something…trying to gain something…and the people around them are probably like themselves so again, they live in fear of the people around them, not being able to trust, feel love, not being able to just feel the connection with others. Their lives are filled with tension…a sense of hostility- they have money and fame and all that yet they lack the things that truly matter…genuine deep-seated sense of peace, being able to talk to people genuinely…always they have to put up some front…not being able to be with other people. and of course, its precisely because they can’t feel this connection thatthey have no qualms about ill-treating people, manipulating them…

and we see this reflected in our lives too…we see taxi drivers as drivers rather than humans…humans like you and your friends, humans who long for a genuine recognition and connection…you see the president or prime minister as someone separate and forget that he too has human needs for love and security, contentment…

when you know this and you try talkin to fellow humans…strangers, you realise that its easy- extremely easy to connect and talk to them! Everyone longs for a genuine sense of peace and love…recognition from other humans…but of course no one shows it…seems insecure or desperate or…but that’s it…which is why i’ve found it incredibly easy to talk to people when i see them as humans rather than the roles they play…rather than a coach or a teacher, you see the person as a fellow human being-

and when the world…all of the world can be like that…how can there be conflict?

Ares Night Performance!!!-The bomb!

Mmmm so today was judgement day and errrrrrr, mmhmm, i bombed-

Well, sort of. After 5 minutes into my speech i sensed that the audience weren’t enjoying it and i quickly cut to the end. Wait let me take you through the entire experience

A few hours beefore the night began, i felt nervous and all….woo…and then i suddenly felt comfortable again. I bounced between these two modes a few times. Anyway, when i went up and got the mike…hmm i felt quite…okay, but then i began and then hmm, the laughs just didn’t come in, my humor fell short, and i felt the audience’s attention drifting. My best humor line bombed although my second-best humor part was partially successful.

Okay, anyway, after i finished, i felt woo…upset and unhappy. I don’t know how to describe my feeling, its like a big sense of loss, of a diminishing of self…i went back to the lt3 and sat around and just felt my feelins, not trying to fight them…but then i didn’t feel like being there so i went out to somewhere i could be alone…and i found some placce and woo, i wasn’t afraid of ghosts! i didn’t care and just sat there, alone…..and then i dunno why but i think alone, i could really let all my feelings come up and then i began to tear…and it did feel good tearing and after i stopped…i sort of wanted to tear again waha…but after i teared, i did feel better

Right now i’m feeling fine now, and from this perspective, well, its easy to say that that was the diminishment of the ego, where my own image of myself was reduced, but at that time, thinking it that way was silly…i knew that the reason i felt so upset was because i had a need to do well, (ironic since my speech was about to stop needing), but the ego structure was there already and it wasn’t as if i could just take it away like…that…

At that point i was just feeling…woo…upset upset…felt like going home and just being with myself…but after a while alone i felt better and went back to lt3…and when the event was over, the soccer people encouraged me and shit and hey, i did feel better when they did that…

then when i decided to go home…ahh on the way i met with mj and jillian and chan yi and they gave me some encouraging words and i began to feel better and better…fact when i reached the bus stop i was almost back…talked to linus and…and i think i because i had thaat sense of loss and healed from it…i was comfortable talking to another new person…much more comfortable than beefore because i already knew i could do it and did do it, but this time it was easy and comfortable…

and then when i started talking to the person, it was a guy from apollo i am so sorry i can’t remember his name…but yea i asked him about my performancce and got some feedback…ahh and when i can do that, it means that i wasn’t hurting from that performance anymore…and then some seniors came to the bus stop too, calvin chia and bryan and jin yang…and we all took 67

and on the bus…it was nice talking to them, and a grandsenior who boarded the bus too…and then i got to know more about calvin chia…talked to him on the bus and on the way home…and once i got home i was feeling pretty good already

So, this experience…a challenge, lots of growth, improvement…its always nasty to bomb on your first performance, but hey, that just means that you take more care in your further performances…and furthermore…if you’re low, you can only go higher than low…

And after that bomb…little things can be worse than that! The next time i do public speaking, there will be less nerves, more confidence, better preparation, feel more comfortable, and have more experience.

I got some feedback and some of these were that the humor wasn’t that right for the audience and erm, the content was out of place…the “feel” was out of place too, after a13’s incredible performance…and it’s true you know…i took a lot of that into account and modified a lot of my speech to suit the audience but guess what, it still wasn’t enough and its simple as that

I fell…so all i need is to pick myself up and learn how to walk again! I learnt much, experienced much, tried something new, something different, and along the way, i got a lot out of it…for a few hours’ worth of unhappiness…that’s quite worth it mm? Okay, i guess the er, preparation energy and effort i put in had to count to, but i wasn’t suffering…i was in fact quite enjoying the process of doing it so i dont think you can call that a sacrifice…

But i want to talk about my feelings when i was upset…at that point, i still had logical thoughts flitting in my head, like “you’re upset cause you need …”, “just pick yourself and do it the next time”, “you bombed, what’s the point of your life now?” and all sorts of that but you just don’t pay attention to them. All you want is to just feel better, be alone or something, or just not thinki about anything and just feel those feelings….and at that point i realised some new things…i wondered…is there a better way to get rid of all those conditioned needs, those egoic patterns and structures? what should i be feeling? what is life for? I had a state and thoughts in which i normally had no access to…

and you know, it made me more clear and more aware of how our egos can really cause us suffering and all, and i’ve just got more motivation to be free,

Day 3 of fasting

Woohoo, okay, today i ended my fast. On Day 3, it was really easy to brush off the cravings even though they were there. And then at dinner, my mom got me hor fun and when i began eating it, i didn’t really love it as i thought i would, seeing as i fasted for 3 days. It tasted mm okay. Halfway as i was eating it, i suddenly felt nauseous and just spat out all the food i had in my mouth. I knew that was a sign of my body to say “enough” so i stopped eating the horfun and ate some grapes instead to help my body digest the new food.

Day 2 of fasting plus Ares rehearsals

Today was day 2…today the hunger cravings didn’t get to me as much as it did yesterday. I had a few temptations but i kept off all of them. I had two slices of watermelon in the afternoon and some grapes at night. I tried to eat an apple but after like 1/5, i didn’t really feel like eating it anymore.

Throughout the day, i’ve been feeling some tingling sensations in my body here and there…mm…and i haven’t had any of the physical symptoms of bad breath, coated tongue kind of thing. I’m thinking that since i’ve been eating okay and the fat in my body was pretty low to begin with, there won’t be many toxins to detoxify so i think i won’t suffer from any of those…detoxification symptoms.

Played soccer and again, became tired out quicker than normal. I still feel completely fine and normal, with no weakness or dizziness or anything. And just a note, i’ve decided i’ll go for a short 3 day fast since Friday is ares night where i paid 5 dollars for the food..mm…so i’m not goin to let that go to waste. After that i think i’ll go for another short fast, and then maybe a longer one…we’ll see.

So, today is Day 2!! And Day 3 ends tomorrow, dinner…Mmm.

Oh yea, had ares rehearsals and mmm my new script seems to have some good humor inside it. Was a bit nervous and had a little trouble remembering what i was talking about, but it came out fine in the end, got some laughs and connected with the audience. However….there’s still a lack of …enthusiasm and aliveness in some parts where there isn’t humor. I think i’ll just have to reach the stage where i lose all unconscious nervouesness or self-consciousness and am free to express myself…perhaps that will happen tomorrow…or on ares night itself.

Day 1 of fasting

Got up in the morning and ate a plum. Not much hunger pangs yet

Went to school and began thinking about the yong tau foo i could eat later…ooohhh man…but i resisted the temptation and only ate an apple.

Later on the hunger pangs gradually subsided but recurred now and then throughout the day…during history, during lit…i felt some cravings for food…

Went to play court for about 1 hour and i think that i didn’t have that much stamina although i felt fine…no dizziness or weakness. Okay, so day 1 of fasting is done…goodbye for now

Went home and ate tablespoon of honey, a plum and more water.

So today was the first day of my 3 day fasting and it went okay…i’d have preferred if i didn;t have to deal with the cravings  but those and the hunger pangs are about the only problems i had. Midway through the day, i had this thought that since i already went for half a day, what the heck if i broke my fast i’d be wasting all that effort so that’s some extra motivation for me for the next 2 days.

I also thought that i could apply this motivation to after the 3 days…since i’ve already gone for 3 days, what the heck lets just make this a week.